Planet Earth to Humanity: "I Want You to Leave Now."

Is it that we're polluting its air and water? Blowing up its mountains? Killing its other residents, both the tall & leafy ones and the small & furry ones?

Planet Earth doesn't say, but according to The Onion, it's had it with humanity, trying to force us out with a series of disasters:

"At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you people to get the message?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now."

And how do Congressional Republican leaders greet any environmental warning, be it the dangers of mercury, global warming or an eviction notice from our planetary landlord? Denial:

"What we're seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan rhetoric that the Earth has been spewing out for millennia," Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. "We're not going to be bullied by a celestial body that has time and again failed to deliver on its promise to glorify and reward mankind with its bounty."

Immediately following these statements from the human race, the Earth emitted a loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive earthquakes on five continents.

Whether Planet Earth likes it or not, we're stuck together. You can donate to help victims of Planet Earth's hints that maybe we should try to get along better at RedCross.org.