Tony Hayward: What Should I Do?

South Park recently ran a series satirizing the BP oil disaster. Here they show former BP CEO Tony Hayward, joined by South Park characters Captain Hindsight (a media parody), Mysterion (Kenny) & The Coon (Cartman), doing his own version of the LeBron non-apology Nike ad:

Mysterion Rises
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Why Tony Hayward's Step Down Doesn't Matter

Tony Hayward is stepping down as BP's CEO to move to another role within the company, getting an $18 million golden parachute as he goes. BP is hoping Gulf coast residents will view his replacement, Bob Dudley, more favorably because he's an American who lived in Mississippi for a time.

Yet the very next day, BP is continuing to use Hayward's rhetoric. A researcher on BP's payroll predicts the BP oil disaster's impact will be "quite small." Hayward himself once infamously predicted the impact would be "relatively tiny."

Last night I was at happy hour at Gordon Biersch in DC talking with friends about the disaster. "This is what BP doesn't get: We don't hate Tony Hayward because he's British," one of my friends said. "We hate him because he fucked the Gulf Coast."

BP dumping its CEO but continuing its lies changes nothing.

Bad Day? At Least You're Not Tony Hayward's PR Person

No matter how much your job sucks, you have something to be thankful for this morning: At least you're not Tony Hayward's public relations person. Can you imagine coming into that job every morning? 

"He said WHAT? He wants his life back? For chrissake, can't that guy go one day without saying something stupid? Every day I think people can't possibly hate us any more, then Tony does something to prove me wrong." (Takes swig directly from flask, shudders)

Hey, Tony Hayward: Wanna Make a Bet?

BP CEO Tony Hayward predicts today's "top kill" effort to stop the oil spill has a 60% to 70% chance of success.

Look, no one wants to see the gusher stopped more than me. Having seen the spill's devastating effects firsthand, I have trouble even talking about the spill's impacts on communities, people's lives & wildlife without getting choked up.

But this is the same Tony Hayward who predicted the spill's environmental effects would be "very, very modest." That "60% to 70%" prediction translates to 2-to-1 odds. If Tony Hayward offered you a bet that another one of his predictions wouldn't come true at 2-to-1 odds, how much would you bet against him? I'd cash in my 401(k).

I hope I'm proven wrong & this post looks silly in hindsight. If the oil gusher really is stopped, I wouldn't be embarrassed, I'd be psyched. But an endorsement from Tony Hayward doesn't fill me with confidence.

Side note -- for some oil spill comic relief, follow Fake Tony Hayward & BP Global PR on Twitter.

Photo via Flickr's Truthout